IF YOU WERE fortunate enough to stumble across a newspaper stand, your front porch, or my away message yesterday, you would have been witness to my dad's picture on the front page of the Fresno Bee. Now that I think about it, my dad is pretty funny. At least his gestures are. And his pose in the picture of the Fresno Bee was quite characteristic of his usual everyday poses. I had to laugh when I saw it, but I felt a little bad about it. Only because my dad was sitting in the same room as me and watched me as I laughed at it. Oh well. If you want to know about what he was doing in the Fresno Bee, you can read the article. Or you can check out the Woodward Park Library! Gasp, I gave you a hint.
I don't see what you people are looking for in these posts. I thought Wednesday's post was an utter disappointment and at least two people embraced it intellectually, philosophically, and who knows what-else-ally. Maybe this is a sign that I should write what I think is bad, knowing that you, the masses, will find hilarity somewhere in these forsaken paragraphs. And when I get a "good" idea [by my standards] I should dispose of it immediately. Or not, considering that ALL my ideas are good. Oh... that's good.
Just yesterday it dawned on me that I have little more than one and a half weeks to finish the slideshow as well as Benton and Aaron's yearbook pages. Not only that--I have little more than one and a half weeks to spend with my favorite opera singer and tennis ace. There's no time! [get my biology reference?]
Oh, by the way, if you are bored on a Thursday morning, not knowing what to do, I suggest traveling southbound on Blackstone Avenue, making a left at Sierra, and making your way into the DMV parking lot. Then [and this is the good part] wait for two and a half hours to take your permit test [since there are no appointments available until August 25, 2004. Peruse through the California Driver's Handbook 2004 Edition, making sure you know not to wear headphones while driving [which will come in handy on the test! (i'm not joking)] whilst overhearing the same conversation about how long the wait is and how many numbers until your number is called. The thoughts of going to Arby's for a bite to eat cross your mind, but you might decide not to spend money. After all, who are we kidding, this is me we're talking about--NOT you. So you peruse through the Handbook a little more, and find that the fee has been risen to twenty-four dollars!! [Thinking the fee was still a measly $12, you only brought nineteen dollars with you] You call your mother [since she didn't really want to wait with you] and have her bring more money to you. When she arrives, you run out to get the money, which makes you lose your seat.
Let me tell you a little something about seats in the DMV. These seats are the most prized possessions of the DMV number-waiter, especially when the non-appointment wait time is 1hr 48min. You never have a one-seat radius between you and the next person sitting down. There's always someone sitting next to you, which is a little creepy. The first two people I sat next to were both fat and Mexican-looking. I have nothing against Mexicans, or fats for that matter, but they also had a slightly boorish look to them. I'm not sure if my vocabulary is serving me correctly, but boorish sounds like a pretty good word to describe them. But at least I was sitting down. You know, where you take the permit test, you have to stand up. How are you going to concentrate if your legs are Jell-O [which is how it appears on the label] halfway through the test. You're not! So I chose to sit next to the Mexican fats.
Blessed was the minute when I looked up at the television screen and the automated female voice proclaimed [in varying pitches], "Now serving... gee-zero-nine-zero... at window number... seven!" There's no greater triumph than the end of your wait at the DMV. Except maybe if you defeated the school bully in a fight or found a cure to AIDS. But this is up there, no doubt about it. So I took my picture and the test and missed three. The lady said it was a good picture. I said thanks.
And that, my friends, is what they will call The Grand DMV Adventure. One day, they will make a movie out of it. They'll cast either Jet Li or John Cho as me, depending on whether I want to go with the accent or the looks. I'm not saying Jet Li isn't hot, but you gotta admit that John Cho has that irreplaceable charm. For my mother, they'll cast either Kelly Hu or Lucy Liu. Come on, everyone knows that age doesn't really matter. Joey can play a 19-year old! Plus, those are the only two Chinese actresses I can think of. The Mexican fats will be played by James Gandolfini and John Goodman, since I can't think of any good fat Mexican actors at this time. The lady who takes my picture will be played by Julia Roberts, just so that I can be sure Serena will watch it. Of course, since it's Hollywood, you'll have to add in some explosions, a passionate love scene, a bit of profanity, and thematic elements [not suitable for children under 13!]. The title of the movie will have to be something catchy, perhaps utilizing a pun such as Driving Me Crazy! or Hard Drive. Even though I am not actually driving in the movie, America will accept it because: let's face it, America is stupid. It'll be a box office hit and I'll be cruising my red Ferrari down Rodeo Lane in no time.
There's always a moral of the story. The moral of The Three Little Pigs is that you shouldn't build houses out of straw and sticks. Or whatever the first one built it out of. Was it hay? I think it was straw. Glad to know I learned that moral. The moral of Little Red Riding Hood was that your grandmother should not look like a beast. The moral of The Grand DMV Adventure is that if you spend too much time in the DMV, you go crazy. That's my time, folks! I'm Gordon Koo, good night!
Just kidding. I was trying to be the Last Comic Standing, as my dad would say. Whenever you do something where people laugh at you [even if it's not with you] then he'll say "bean juo Last Comic Standing" which roughly translates into "became the Last Comic Standing of beans." JK I made up the beans part. Of course, I'm not really fond of beans. I never have been. At least not by themselves. If I can't see them, then I'll eat them. If I can see them, I'll probably eat them anyway. But I'd prefer not to eat them. Take, for example, a bean and a chocolate. I would eat the chocolate.
I've run out of ideas.