Thinking need more music
Feeling saad with two a's
Should be not doing this
Here I am once more when I shouldn't be. Now that I'm here again, I've forgotten all the things I've wanted to say. Lately I've felt like I don't have any real friends here. I was recently thinking back to the whole ordeal about my definition of a friend ... Seriously, the fact that you live with someone in your dorm does not equate to friendship. There are many people in the dorm who I would not consider my friend, and if they think worse of me because of it, so be it. The word is thrown around too much anyways.
How can someone who is so arrogant and patronizing find so many friends and someone as lovable and awesome as me find so much urine in the toilet every single time I go to the bathroom? Doesn't anyone remember how to flush? Someone once said to me within the past school year that college is all about regressing. I suppose his case is made with this example. Then we'll all go back to eating our own excrement.
I keep trying to convince myself that I'm really a good person at heart, but it's a losing battle. Everyday I find something new about myself that I dislike. Today, it was lack of fortitude. More specifically, lack of fortitude when trying to get through Marx's 1844 manuscripts. Other days it's something worse. I swear, I need to see a therapist. Hercules's uplifting Go the Distance isn't helping me out either. Jessica Lin said that she doesn't think anyone dislikes himself/herself. [I hate the English language] I told her she was wrong, but I don't think she believed me, even when I told her that I didn't like myself.
I am in a state of turmoil. But I'll go to sleep tonight, forget about writing this, wake up in the morning [whilst moving as silently as possible lest I wake Richard up] and forget about all of these silly worries. Until I read this post again. Thus the dilemma: to post or not to post? Why torment my mind even more? On one hand, you should make the best of your life. Be happy! Happiness is key. On the other, to deny part of myself would be to live a lie. I wouldn't do it when my Oh Wow! bracelet broke off, and I won't do it now. My mind is growing weary. It's time to wipe the slate clean and start anew once more.